Turn off the sun, pull the stars from the sky. The more I give
to you, the more I die. And I want you. And I want you.
And I want you. And I want you…without you everything
just falls apart. “The Perfect Drug” – Nine Inch Nails
We all have a moral compass and guideposts and rules we base our lives upon. We hang so tightly onto our compass and guideposts and rules until we become so desperate to have that one thing we crave so much and then all of those things we had clung to so passionately get thrown right out our moral window. Funny what desperation can do.
So much is said about a woman's biological clock ticking once they hit 30 but not much is said about men like me who struggle not with a ticking clock but with the slow, constant drip of rejection. It's one thing to not be married by age 30 but to not have a girlfriend by age 30? Devastating. It wasn't a case of women not "getting me" - understanding me - but no woman was interested in "getting me". That type of soul-crushing indifference became greater with each day farther I got past my 30th birthday. And then came Tina, who walked into my life as I approached 31.
As Tina and I got to know each other, I wanted to know more about her and - amazingly - she wanted to know get me more. Better yet, I believed she actually understood me. It was a rare type of joy I experienced when I realized there was a woman out there for me...she just wouldn't be Tina because she was married. Admittedly, that put a damper on the joy I felt. But then imagine the joy when I learned that not only did Tina want to talk to me, spend time with me, but she wanted be with me. Oh sure, there was a little problem - she was married - but that problem didn't seem too big as she was unhappy in her marriage and thinking of getting out.
And that's when I tossed my moral compass away, my guideposts and rules following right behind it. Early on in life I had drawn a line in my mental sand, saying I would never have an affair...would never get involved with a divorced woman, would never break up a marriage. None of those pledges to myself meant a damn thing when it came to Tina. She became my only shot at happiness, my only hope to find a woman who loved me, who would create a life with me. I grabbed onto that feeling and wouldn't let it go.
The more time I spent with Tina, the more time I wanted to spend with her. The more I got to know Tina, the more I wanted to know about Tina. The more I talked with Tina, the more I wanted to talk with Tina. Call it love, call it devotion, call it obsession...I call it addiction. No doubt, I was addicted to the feeling of euphoria Tina brought to me and, like any junkie, I would do anything I had to do to get my next fix, to make sure I always had access to my drug of choice.
Before she finally left her husband, doubt ruled Tina's life. It wasn't unusual for her to try to put distance between us when her doubt ruled her, which was far too often for my liking. It was during those times I hit bottom emotionally, feeling that if I didn't have Tina then any chance to be loved was gone for good. And I was not going to let that happen. I couldn't. I'd thrown away nearly every belief I had just for a chance to be with Tina. I just didn't know how far I would go or how out of things would get because my morals had been expendable.
See just how far I went in Sunshine: Diary of An Affair http://amzn.to/11K07iD
Eric Simmons is one of the two essential figures of The Sunshine Affair series. His journals turn his real-life experiences into a novelized version of the events Simmons lived. This blog provides insight on The Sunshine Affair series from this unique perspective.